Weekend at Jabronies
November 25-27, 2016
We were bored and wanted to get away for a weekend, so we looked at cheap flights and saw that Bratislava was an option. Our friend Shelly had lived there for a while and liked it, but we didn't know anything about the place. A little research informed us that the weekend we were thinking of going was actually the most popular time of the year to visit Bratislava due to its excellent holiday markets. The pictures of the sandwiches and sausages they sold at the markets looked top-notch. The signature dish in Bratislava appeared to be potato dumplings with sheep cheese and bits of smoked pork. They had castles. We booked our flights immediately.
Our trip got off to a slow start thanks to a long flight delay, forcing us to drink several more Guinnesses at the Schönefeld Airport Irish bar than we normally do. Once we were in the air, the flight was short, and after a few busses we met our Airbnb host Martin at a station downtown. He took us to his small flat and showed us our room, but he had to leave quickly as our flight delay had made him late to meet friends. He insisted however that he wanted to show us around town the following evening, which is rare for Airbnb hosts.
For dinner we set off to 1. Slovak Pub, a restaurant renowned for its traditional Slovakian cuisine and variety of beers they brew themselves. The building was homey and warm, with wood walls lined with old paintings, clunky old wooden tables, and a wood burning stove near the entrance. We wanted to try as many traditional dishes as possible, so we got the "Slovak Platter" for two people, krémová cesnaková polievka (a garlic soup served in a bread bowl), and a couple of dark beers. Though the soup was bland, the trio of dumpling varieties on the platter was rich and satisfying. There was bryndzové halušky, the most iconic food of Bratislava, which is a lot like gnocchi with a tart cheesy sauce and smoky pork chunks. There were also pierogis with sheep cheese and nuts, and potato dumplings with cabbage almost like sauerkraut, which was our favorite. The food was heavy and rich, and we had ordered far too much of it. We waddled uncomfortably out of the restaurant, wanting equally to explore the city and lay down for a nap.
Bratislava has a bourgeoning craft beer scene, and we had found several bars and restaurants online that we wanted to check out. We chose to start at a craft beer bar and bottle shop called 100 Piv, as it was about a 20 minute walk away and we needed the movement to get all that heavy food digesting. On the way we walked through the nearby Christmas Market and bought some hot wine, stopping to check out live music from fiddlers in traditional Slovakian garb.
When we reached 100 Piv, the shop was full of people but the door was locked. It was nearly 10pm and they were closing soon, and not letting any more people in. We brought up the next destination, Richtar Jakub, up on Google maps, and found it was all the way back on the other side of town, another 20+ minute walk away. We were still uncomfortably full, so we kept walking.
We showed up at Richtar Jakub and were quickly informed that though it was full of people, they too were closing and we had to leave. Apparently many the bars only stay open in Bratislava until 10pm. Cool nightlife scene, guys. We walked back dejectedly towards our Airbnb, which was situated near the downtown area, to see if anything was still open down there. Eventually we landed at the Bratislava Flagship Restaurant, a giant beer hall and restaurant that could hold hundreds of people. Though it was only partially full do to its enormous capacity, it was still loud and chaotic, and Mazz hated it. Even after walking for more than an hour we were still way too full, and had to force ourselves to drink our pints instead of actually enjoying them. We went back to the flat and went to sleep instead of pushing on.
After some coffees the next morning we made our way back to the Christmas Market from the night before. There were dozens of stands selling delicious sandwiches, sausages, pastries, mulled wine, and gifts, and we slowly meandered through the crowds trying to make a decision of what we wanted. We started with cigánska pečienka, a sandwich with flat pieces of grilled pork covered in onions, hot peppers, and mustard. Most of the stands were selling these, so we chose one at random. They were good, but we saw people with much better-looking ones in the crowd and instantly wished we were eating theirs instead. We also saw people with some excellent sausages, so we followed their trail back to the specific place that was selling them and bought a plate. They tasted just as good as they looked, and we were sufficiently fed to spend the rest of the afternoon exploring.
The Old Town in Bratislava has many life-sized statues that were created near the end of the Communist era in an attempt to liven up the city. Cumil, or the "Man at Work," is one of the most famous, plopping out of a manhole in the middle of a downtown street. From downtown we caught a bus to Devin Castle, which sits 10 km northwest of Bratislava on the Danube River, right on the border of Austria. We accidentally got off the bus a stop or two too early, so we walked through a residential neighborhood near the base of the castle and stumbled upon a worn-down statue of a bearded crusader with fresh flowers laid at his feet. There were no markings to indicate how old the statue was or what it signified.
Devin Castle is a beautiful ruin sitting atop a cliff, with panoramic views of the Slovakian and Austrian countryside. Though one of the main sections of the castle was closed for repairs, there was plenty to see and explore, with gorgeous vistas from every angle.
We hit up another Christmas Market near the bus stop when we got back into town, finding some crafty Christmas gifts for our families. There were also lots of great gems and minerals to be found throughout the markets, and both of us firmly believe that rocks make great gifts, so we loaded up. The year before we had found most of our great Christmas presents in Morocco; this year we found them in Slovakia.
Kirb needed some pants. He'd worn a hole out of the crotch in his jeans, and was getting self-conscious about it. There was an H&M on the street outside of our Airbnb, and it was surprisingly better stocked than the one in our neighborhood in Berlin. Kirb found two pairs of pants, and immediately changed into his new jeans back at the apartment before we went out for the night.
After painfully overeating the night before, we made a concerted effort not to do it again on Saturday. We made our way to Bratislavský Meštiansky Pivovar, a local brewery and restaurant, to get some pints and an Eastern European favorite bar food that Kirb had enjoyed in Prague – Beer Cheese. This dish comes with sharp cheese, mustard, and onions, all in separate bowls, along with pieces of toast. Luckily, the first time Kirb ate it, some strangers at his table who were properly initiated told him what to do. You're supposed to pour some of the beer you're drinking into the cheese, dump the mustard and onions into it, and then mash it up real good with your fork until you've made a paste, which you spread on the toast. It's delicious. We also ordered a boar collar, and some dark beers, which were quite good. For the next round, we decided to try their pilsner, even though that's basically all we can get in Berlin and it's boring and we're sick of it. To our surprise, the pilsner at Bratislavský Meštiansky was rich and buttery, and markedly different from other pils we have had.
Our Airbnb host Martin was not bullshitting us, he actually wanted to hang out, so we met him at 100 Piv for some beers. He was surprised he'd never been there, as they had an excellent selection of Slovakian and European craft beers. He told us about what it's like living and working in Bratislava, and we tried to explain the garbage fire that is modern United States reality. Martin informed us that nobody who lives in Bratislava actually eats any of the "traditional" food we had for dinner the night before; that stuff is too expensive for locals and exists almost solely for tourists like us. When the beer shop closed at 10pm again, Martin decided we had to try a traditional Slovakian herbal liquor called Tatranský čaj, though he wasn't exactly sure where we could find it.
We headed back into the touristy Old Town bar area, and he went into a terrible Hard Rock-themed bar to see if they carried it. Thankfully they did not, but the bartender there suggested a place up the street that might have it, so we moved on. It turns out that the suggested bar was a place that we had been joking about the entire weekend called Zbrojnos, which we had walked by a dozen times already. Neither of us had any idea how to pronounce its name, and each time we had walked by one of us had said, "We could always go hang out at Jabronies." It seemed like fate that Jabronies was the bar Martin had decided to take us to.
They carried Tatranský čaj at Jabronies, and we ordered a round. Though strong (52%), it had a pleasant taste and needed no chaser. The bar was packed, and performing on the stage was a band of super cool grandpas nailing songs by Hendrix, Zeppelin, and the other classic rock acts. We ordered some pints and pulled up some chairs next to a happy couple old enough to be our folks. Every four or five songs the band would play a Slovakian classic rock song, which other than the different language sounded just like the rest of the canon, though we'd never heard it before. When they played these songs it became obvious who the locals were, as they were the ones who really seemed to brighten up, loudly chanting along every lyric. It was an awesome scene, and one we never would have found if it wasn't for Martin showing us around his town.
When we got back to the apartment, Kirb took off his new pants and found that they were completely split from his ass all the way down to the back of his knee. He has no idea how this happened, or for how long his entire butt had been hanging out for all of Bratislava to see.
The next morning we returned the destroyed pants wreckage to some bewildered H&M employees and immediately headed back to the Christmas Market for breakfast, determined to find the amazing cigánska pečienka we'd seen people eating the day before. After carefully examining the finished sandwiches coming out of each stall, we found what we were looking for, and ordered a pair. They were savory and spicy and delicious, and better than any of the fare we've found at German Christmas Markets. We debated getting two more for the road but decided against it.
There is a castle that sits above the city, fittingly called "Bratislava Castle," originally built in the 9th century but rebuilt from ruins in the 1950s. It was cold, windy, and rainy that day, and we trudged our way by foot up to the castle grounds from the Old Town. It was wholly unspectacular, especially compared to what we had seen at Devin Castle, and we sort of regretted dedicating so much of our final morning to it. There was just enough time before we had to make it to the airport to walk to Eurovea, a giant, modern mall that had surprisingly come up on several lists of things to see in Bratislava. Here, Kirb found a Marks & Spencer, a British clothing chain that sells pants, and bought a new pair of jeans that lived a long and healthy life without the ass completely ripping out.